Josh Freed: Prove you’re a ‘historic anglo’ by taking this quiz

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There’s been a big kerfuffle lately over whether we’ll need an English school “eligibility certificate” to prove we’re eligible for English-language health care.

The government now promises we won’t and will clarify a recent directive that set off the controversy.

Let’s hope so, but regardless, I think this whole school certificate thing is an overly complex way to decide who’s a longtime supposedly “historic” anglo.

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I can think of far easier ways since almost no one I know has these certificates, which may now be worth more than bitcoins.

That includes me. I don’t have a certificate, even though my family goes back here 125 years, all English-educated and all definitely “historic” anglophones, whatever that means.

But that could be hard to prove, as my English schools have all vanished.

Barclay and Bedford schools have gone francophone. Strathcona Academy, Outremont High and Sir Winston Churchill High are gone, period, just like Ben’s Deli, Piazza Tomasso and Miss Montreal.

But fear not: I’m here with a plan to make things simpler for all you “historic” anglos out there, as well as for our bureaucratic, and baffling, Quebec government.

I know four much better tests to prove you’re English-educated, simple ones that any longtime historic anglo should  be able to pass easily, if they went to an English Protestant public school in Montreal (PSBGM).

So, here’s how to absolutely test and prove you’re a decades-old historic anglo.

Anglo test 1: Can you sing ”Onward, Christian Soldiers?”

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We belted out this hymn and others like it countless times every school year, even though most of my classmates were Jewish.

That’s why most Montreal Jews over 50 still know all the words to it decades later, and can also croon: “Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes! Jesus loves me.  The bible tells me so!”

I can still walk into any crowded local synagogue and lead the congregation in a rousing chorus of “Onward, Christian Soldiers” and most would join in — including the rabbi.

Anglo test  2: Quickly recite the Lord’s Prayer, which we English-schoolers speed-muttered in class every morning  of the week.

If you went to English school before de-confessionalization in 2005, you probably know it by heart, whether you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Sikh.

You probably recall the words exactly as I do: Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name  (mutter mutter mutter). Forever and ever, amen.

But as a Jewish kid., I always thought the words were: Our father who art in heaven, halvah be thy name.

Anglo test 3: Can you sing “God Save the Queen?”

Morning after morning we loudly chirped the British national anthem, while facing a huge Union Jack, so the lyrics are embedded in our brains.

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“Send her victorious, happy and glorious 
Lo-n-nng to re-ei-ign over us,
God Save the Queen!”

Er … I guess we should make that: “God save the King” today, although I suspect our current Quebec government doesn’t care.

Anglo test 4: No matter how well you speak French, you have a really bad anglo accent.

You say “Longay” instead of “Longuuuuueil.”

You say  Esplan-aid Avenue, instead of Esplanade. And Gene Manzzz, not Jeanne Mance.

I grew up on Deleppy St., near Curbs  Ave., and I was 30 before I realized it was actually de L’Épée near Querbes.

But I still call those streets Deleppy (or Delippy as some anglos say), and Curbs because that’s my historical anglophone education and proof of my anglo heritage.

Bottom line: If you can pass any of these tests: Sing “O Come, All Ye Faithful;” speed through the Lord’s Prayer; or just say the words “Esplan-aid or “Deleppy” with pride and certainty, you should be declared a certified “historic” Quebec anglo.

Then you and your descendants should receive guaranteed lifetime English medical care, forever and ever, amen!

Under my scheme, you’d just have to call up any hospital or CLSC, then sing “God Save the King” and you’d be good to go in English.

Then again, the same should be true for  anyone in Quebec, of any age or background, who prefers to speak English in a medical setting — because  that’s what they best understand.

Your health shouldn’t be compromised by a bad French vocabulary, accent or misunderstood word. This is  so obvious we shouldn’t have to say it, let alone argue about it as in recent weeks.

I think French Language Minister Jean-François Roberge has finally got the message and will rewrite the new government directives to ensure everyone gets care in the language they need.

But this only after weeks of pointless misunderstanding, frustration and anxiety.

It’s the flip side of a province where almost everyone behaves remarkably well, warmly and generously to others when it comes to language — except for our government.

In fact, I just saw a slogan that perfectly captures the two flip sides of living in Quebec. It goes: “LIFE IS PAIN  … au chocolat.”

Joshfreed49@gmail.com 

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